


I hope hopeless

by ladybonehollows



Category: Green Creek Series - T.J. Klune
Genre: Angst, Brothers, Gen, Post-Heartsong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:00:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24414736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladybonehollows/pseuds/ladybonehollows
Summary: It wasn’t him.Don’t get your hopes up,I said to myself again and again and again, but now they came crashing down anyway.Ox's latest lead on Carter falls through. He can't let the rest of the pack see that he's falling apart.
Relationships: Joe Bennett/Ox Matheson, Ox Matheson & Carter Bennett, Ox Matheson & Kelly Bennett
Comments: 5
Kudos: 27
Collections: Green Creek Bingo





	I hope hopeless

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic for Green Creek Bingo! Thanks to Steph and Jenny for running this (it's going to be so much fun!), and to Sam and Gigi for having a look over this for me.
> 
> This prompt is "feeling helpless"

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be any more help.”

I tried and failed to keep the disappointment from my voice. “I appreciate the call. If you see anything else…?”

“I’ll call.”

“Thank you.”

Ending the call, I put my phone face down on the desk and dropped my head into my hands, trying to ignore the way they were shaking. Ever since Peter, one of the Omega’s that we’d rehomed, had told me that an Alpha in the next state over had caught the scent of a wolf passing through, I’d been unable to think of anything else.

It wasn’t him.

 _Don’t get your hopes up_ , I said to myself again and again and again, but now they came crashing down anyway.

The office door was closed, so I couldn’t hear if Mark and Elizabeth were still sitting in the living room where I’d left them when I’d snuck away to take the call. I hadn’t wanted to tell them who was on the phone in case it was a dead end. Now, I realised with a heavy heart, I had to tell them anyway. They’d known that I was waiting on a lead. I couldn’t let them live in the hope that this one might go somewhere.

If only I had some good news for them, any little thing. A tiny fraction of hope to hold us together. With my eyes squeezed shut, I could clearly see the tightness around Elizabeth’s mouth, the tiredness in Mark’s posture, the haunted look in Kelly’s eyes, in Joe’s. Gordo, Robbie, the shop guys, Jessie... I could feel them fraying, every single one of them, and I didn’t know how to keep holding them together. I didn’t know how to hold myself together.

The heaviness that weighed on all of us felt so similar to when Robbie had gone. When Robbie had been _taken_. Even our respites hadn’t truly felt like relief. We’d gotten Robbie back, but he hadn’t remembered us, and we were preparing for the fight against Robert and Michelle. They’d been defeated, but the timber wolf — Gavin — had left. Robbie had gotten his memories back, and now Carter was gone.

Carter was _gone_ . I choked on the thought as it hit me afresh. I forced it _down down down_ . I couldn’t let them feel my hopelessness. I had to be strong for all of them. I had to bring him home. Bring them _both_ home. I was doing everything I could, short of taking off after Carter the same way he had gone after Gavin.

The thing was, I acknowledged with something close to guilt, that I understood why Carter had left. It wasn’t like when Joe had left to hunt Richard Collins. Gavin had left _with_ Robert — and to keep all of us safe, very likely at his own expense. If it had been me watching Joe flee with our enemy with an almost-convincing snarl that he didn’t want me to scare me off of going after him, then nothing could have stopped me from bringing him home. I hated him for it. I loved him for it. And I didn’t know what to _do_ about it.

How could I hold the pack together, when I could barely keep myself together?

If only I’d seen it coming. Maybe I could have stopped him.

No, nothing would have stopped him, but maybe I could have talked him out of breaking his tether and the pack bonds and cutting us all off, or maybe talked him into taking someone with him. We could have _helped_ , we could have —

But there was no taking it back now. There was nothing we could do except look for him, for Gavin and Robert, and try to figure out how we were going to defeat this unknown enemy and hold ourselves together at the same time.

I missed Joe. I cursed Caswell for needing their Alpha of all. Couldn’t they see that Joe’s pack needed him just as much? Couldn’t they see that _I_ needed him?

Lowering my hands, I picked up my phone again and pulled up Joe’s message thread. I typed out the words slowly, wishing I could text him the opposite.

**_not in michigan_ **

The response was almost immediate.

**_Okay. Okay._ **

And then:

**_The next one will be him._ **

And one more.

**_I love you._ **

I stared at the messages. I couldn’t reply to the second one. The hope that I was clutching at felt like water flowing between my fingers. **_i love you too_ **, I sent instead.

I gave myself another minute to feel sorry for myself, careful to keep my emotions locked up tight. Taking a deep breath to steady myself, I got to my feet and stepped toward the door, hoping and dreading that Elizabeth and Mark were still waiting in the living room.

I stepped into the hallway to see Kelly approaching the office, his eyes already on me when I opened the door. He was still wearing his uniform — he hadn’t made it home yet. Was it really so late in the day that his shift was over? I must have lingered in the office longer than I’d thought.

One more day with no answers.

Kelly stopped in front of me, looking over me thoughtfully. I waited, sensing that he had something to say. When he spoke, it wasn’t what I was expecting. “You look like shit.”

It should have been easy to laugh at the irony, what with the purple smudges underneath Kelly’s eyes, but that brutal honesty sounded so much like Carter that I had to stop myself from wincing. “Thanks,” I said.

Kelly continued to watch me, and now I couldn’t miss the concern in the pinch of his brow. “Robbie and I felt you go quiet,” he said softly, and then paused. “It didn’t feel like you were hiding something happy. I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

Okay was a relative term, but he knew that as well as I did.

There was no point in hiding the truth, even if I still kept a tight rein on my misery. “I thought we had a lead, but it wasn’t Carter.” I swallowed down the lump in my throat at the pain that Kelly didn’t try and dull. His head turned slightly, like he was turning away from the blow, and I could feel the way the hurt rocked him. “I’m sorry, Kelly. I’m sorry I haven’t brought your brother home.”

Kelly’s mouth twisted, but his eyes were earnest as he stepped forward and grabbed my forearm, his fingers warm and tight against my skin. “ _Our_ brother. He’s your brother, too,” he said.

And how was I supposed to keep myself together after that?

Kelly’s grip on his arm was the only thing that held me steady. I _breathed_ and _breathed_ and _breathed_ , and eventually I managed to nod. “I won’t stop looking for him.”

“I know,” he said, his voice somehow both sure and shaky. His faith in me was astounding, and all I could do was try and be worthy of it. I wouldn’t give up. We were going to defeat Robert, and bring Carter and Gavin home, and live the happiness that we’ve earned.

There was no other option.

As I followed him into the living room to speak to the others, I struggled to ignore the doubt that continued to tease at my mind.


End file.
